Map Makers is an ongoing short story series by Matthew D. Miller. To learn more and read other episodes, check out the home page.

Season 1, Episode 2: "Tongue Tied"

by Matthew D. Miller

A harsh buzzing joined the continuous low rumbling. Tonya Jones buried her head under her pillow. The buzzing came to a crescendo, and she slammed the alarm clock. The rumbling continued. It was the noise of two faster-than-light engines.

When we last left Tonya and her fellow map makers, they were lying unconscious on the surface of Pluto. It has been six weeks since that date, and you are probably wondering what has happened in those intermittent weeks. I will briefly fill you in:

After the pirate's gas took its effect and slowly dissipated into Pluto's atmosphere, Darcy, Pirate Dark Star's rather portly assistant, began the laborious process of dragging everyone on board. He fished the keys from Rusty's pocket and parked Reliable on the pirate ship's flight deck. Because of his poor parking job, he had to shuffle back and forth between the two ships getting them positioned correctly. Darcy then set a course for the Stellar Graveyard. Pastor Timothy awoke on the surface of Pluto, struggled to remember how he got into a prostrate position, and shook his head dismissing memories of an orange monster and a pirate ship as a very odd dream.

Several hours into the journey, Tonya awoke and had a nice chat with Darcy while sipping coffee. She asked about hanging curtains. The idea had never occurred to Darcy before. Darcy gave Tonya a tour of the pirate ship. She pointed out where curtains would look nice. Other than the abysmal absence of color on the ship, Tonya noticed the absence of a crew. "So does this ship have a crew?"

"Oh, yes. Pirate Bob and I make up her fine crew."

"That's all?"

Darcy pointed to a grate covering a hole on the bridge. "There is Johnson, but we don't talk about him much." A low growl came from the hole and the grate rattled.

Tonya started a journal to help sort out the crazy things going on around her. That first morning on the pirate ship she scribbled:

Barry Williams (a.k.a. Bear) passed on touring the ship. Upon awakening, Pirate Dark Star yelled at Darcy, "The plan was for you to give me time to board the ship before you released the gas, you incompetent fool!"

"I don't appreciate being called a fool. I worked several hours just getting their confounded ship into our hangar. And...and I don't appreciate being called impotent. Let's drink coffee."

Coffee solved most problems on the pirate ship. The ship carried a special blend stolen from the natives on the jungle planet Sarmaul. When you drink Sarmaulian coffee, feelings of hostility slip away. "Pirate Bob, I'm sorry I gassed you."

"It's okay. Oh yeah, and it's Pirate Dark Star now."

"What?"

"Never mind."

When Rusty realized returning to the Stellar Graveyard was inevitable, something snapped within him--possibly the same thing that snapped within his two friends. Rusty's first map making mission had been to the Stellar Graveyard. Upon returning, his two friends were committed to an asylum. Rusty had not uttered one word since being taken captive on the pirate ship. "Also the Space Ferret" quietly lay at his feet.

It is somewhat of a misnomer to call them captives. They were quite free to roam the ship whenever they pleased. Nevertheless, they were being hurtled faster-than-light towards possibly the worst place to be hurtled towards faster-than-light. Actually at this instant, they were not being hurtled towards the worst place possible. The worst place possible was the Stellar Graveyard. Both the captives and the pirates thought they were headed to the Stellar Graveyard, but for two entirely unrelated reasons, they were not.

No reputable star ship company would construct a ship that looked like a funny shaped "J," nor would a reputable star ship company sell a ship to pirates. Most pirate ships are a variety of retired, crashed, and stolen ships frankensteined together. The notable exception was the ship of Darren the Boy Pirate. Darren is one of those people whose parents have an inordinate amount of money. When Darren decided he wanted to be a pirate, his parents bought him the fanciest pirate ship available.

The lower hook of the "J" had been the hull of an experimental ship being tested by the Evergreen Propulsion Company that was powered by love, courage, and loyalty. The tests were complete failures. The engines were abandoned for ones powered by hate, cowardice, and prejudice, which were in much higher supply. Captain Margay and her crew were not aware of the failed tests when they found the abandoned ship.

Iambians love to socialize and were hosting a planet-wide picnic on the planet of Iambus. On board the pirate ship, Rusty sat in a self-centered stupor, Tonya and Pirate Dark Star argued about curtains, Bear was scared to use pirate ship restrooms, and Darcy muttered a curse word when he jammed his thumb. The love-powered faster-than-light engine was running on fumes. The only love to be found aboard the ship was Also's complete loyalty to his silent master. The love on Iambus wafted towards the pirate ship. The experimental engine slightly altered course towards Iambus unbeknownst to its passengers.

The other reason was a committee meeting of over 1,000 bureaucrats from around the galaxy. The hot air expelled from that planet caused every star ship within an 100 light year radius to go off course.

While Tonya applied lipstick, a horrible screeching came from her room's intercom. Seconds later Darcy's voice rang out, "Attention, ship. Come to the bridge immediately. You need to see this. It looks like Twinkie filling." Tonya entered the bridge where her captors and Bear were staring at a white planet on the view screen.

"It must be the first of the Outer Lying Worlds," Dark Star postulated.

The grate on the floor rattled loudly. "See, Johnson agrees."

Tonya was decidedly unimpressed with Dark Star. When she made it back to her room and finished her make-up, she journaled:

Bear asked, "Can we zoom out any?" Darcy pointed at a toggle on the control panel. "I've seen a map of the Outer Lying Worlds before. This isn't right. I don't think Johnson was agreeing with you."

"Well, if it's not one of the Outer Lying Worlds, what is it?" Dark Star demanded.

"I don't know," Bear replied. "Can I take a look at some of the maps aboard Reliable?"

"Can we call it Twinkie World?" Darcy asked.

       

Anyone en route to the Stellar Graveyard first passes three Outer Lying Worlds. Each successive planet becomes more dark and desolate. The second Outer Lying World is known for a trading post that sells key chains with messages like "You smell like a Stellar Graveyard Flying Rat."

Bear rubbed his eyes after staring at the small display in Reliable. "It just doesn't add up."

Pirate Dark Star sighed. Bear had been staring at the display for almost an hour. "It must be fun being a map maker."

"I wouldn't use the word 'fun.' I love maps. Maps may be the only thing I love, but I've only been on the job for about six weeks, and I've already been chased by a giant orange Zaltar and kidnapped by pirates."

"Sorry about that."

"About the Zaltar or the kidnapping."

"Well, the kidnapping. Or both. Kind of."

"Thanks, I guess."

"No, thank you. The sooner you get us back on course, the sooner we will be able to save Captain Margay. You'll understand once we rescue her. She is the best captain in the universe. If you find out where in the universe we are, come get me." Dark Star gave the exit hatch a hard shove. Clang! The door hit the metal wall of the pirate ship holding it hostage. Dark Star attempted to squeeze out of the half opened hatch head-first. He backed up and attempted to squeeze out again--this time feet-first. He wondered how Darcy ever managed to get out of Reliable.

Bear finally squeezed out of Reliable late that afternoon. He moped along the corridor to the bridge. Darcy stood precariously atop a stool holding blue curtains in place. Tonya stepped backwards and instructed, "Move it a little more to the right." The grate in the middle of the floor rattled accompanied by a growl-like sound. Darcy turned quickly and lost his balance. Darcy and stool toppled to the ground.

"Ugh," Tonya groaned. "On second thought, I think Johnson is right. We need to move it back to the left." She frustratingly bit her fingernail on her left hand middle finger. "Oh hi, Bear. What do you think?"

"I think we're lost," Bear bemoaned.

"I knew it. It's the color isn't it? I should have gone with green."

"No. We're lost lost. Where is Pirate Dark Star?"

"He should be hanging curtains in the galley."

Bear punched a button on the intercom. "Will Martha Stewart please come to the bridge?"

Dark Star barked over the speaker, "I'm not going to hang up your stupid curtains."

"I'm not talking about curtains. I've never been talking about curtains! Will you please come to the bridge?"

The speaker squawked another response, but Bear could not hear over Tonya's complaints. "What's wrong with the curtains I picked out? You hate them. Nobody appreciates the hard work you and I are doing around here, Darcy." Darcy made a failed attempt to lift his rotund body.

Pirate Dark Star bounded into the room and hopped over Darcy. "Stop sleeping on the job and enter the coordinates Mr. Williams gives you." Darcy used the fallen stool to lift himself to his feet.

"That's precisely it, Dark Star. I don't know the coordinates. We're lost."

Tonya suggested, "We could land on that little white planet and ask for directions."

"We don't need directions. I mean, it's not like there are that many places we could have made a wrong turn," Dark Star argued.

"Actually, there are a few trillion places we could have made a wrong turn," Bear mumbled.

Dark Star marched to the main control panel. He shouted at the console, "Activate Shipboard Autopilot."

A female voice responded, "Autopilot here, Captain. Where would you like me to go?"

"Finally, somebody who knows how to obey orders. Thank you, Autopilot, but it is just Pirate--not Captain."

"Affirmative, Captain."

"Never mind. Set a course for the Stellar Graveyard."

"Coordinates unknown. I recommend asking for directions on the nearest planet." "That's it! I'm in charge here. We'll go down to the surface of the planet," Dark Star conceded. He continued in staccato, "But I am not asking for directions. Take the helm, Darcy, and please try to make it a little smoother this time."

It is hard to concentrate when a moody Autopilot is backseat driving, your hip hurts, and you are distracted because you are hungry and looking at a planet that looks like Twinkie filling. Consequently, Darcy's landing was not smooth.

ACT II. SCENE I.

(The J-shaped pirate ship crashes in the middle of a large group of people dressed in Elizabethan garb and sitting around picnic baskets. The crew exits the ship.)

(Mayor Tuple and the crowd stare at Pirate Dark Star. Pirate Dark Star and his companions huddle and whisper for several moments.)

(They all sit down and sip tea. Pirate Dark Star whispers something to Bear, and Bear turns to the Mayor.

(Music begins. Two Iambians in red and white striped suits with matching hats step up to a microphone on the gazebo.)

END OF ACT II.

Pirate Dark Star recited the coordinates to the Autopilot in a sing-song voice. If this was the beginning of the story, you might think he was happy. Far from it. He was on a desperate mission to save his captain and had been forced to ask directions on a strange, cheery planet that spoke in iambic pentameter and had sung the directions to him.

Dark Star cleared his voice, "Now to important business."

"I agree," Tonya began, "it is time to finish hanging curtains."

"We have far more important chores than curtain hanging to attend to."

"Really, Bob?" Darcy asked. Pirate Dark Star spun to stare at him. He cowered back, but Tonya jabbed him in the ribs with her fingers. "Like what? It's not like we have anything better do aboard this ship," he continued.

"Well, for instance...no, we did that yesterday. Ah, but we could...no, that's no good either. Alright, curtains it is."

Their journey to the Stellar Graveyard did indeed bring them to a giant, floating curtain. You have probably seen pictures of it--if not the purple one, maybe the red one or green one or blue one... In photographs, they appear to be giant sheets of translucent color that a giant maid fluffed in the air leaving wrinkles throughout it. Scientists in the twenty-first century probably told you it was a nebula or space dust or some such nonsense like that.

No one can account for why there are giant curtains in space. One popular legend states that God put them there soon after Creation. He was planning a grand show for the angels showcasing the most beautiful features of the universe. Unfortunately, an angel named Lucifer staged a rebellion that put an end to the show.

Bear and Tonya crowded into Rusty's quarters. Also made a chuckling noise. "Not you too," Tonya complained. "Is it the color? What about you, Cap? Do you like this color?"

"You've already tried turquoise and that floral pattern. Captain, tell her she is worrying too much," Bear pleaded. "And let's not forget raspberry, peach, and olive. Where are you finding all these curtains? We are in the middle of space--a black vacuum--for crying out loud!"

Tonya grabbed Bear's hand and dragged him out of Rusty's room. Bear brushed against the wall upsetting a wooden box. The box teetered back and forth, but when the door whooshed shut, it toppled. The latch bust open and a pile of ragged books spilled onto the ground. Rusty hurriedly shoved them under his bed.

Tonya led Bear to the curtain room, a spacious room filled with curtains on the bottom deck. Tonya went about looking for yet another curtain. Pirate Dark Star was tucked into a corner at the back of the room.

"Dark Star..." Bear whispered.

"Shhh," Dark Star urged.

Crouching down and crawling toward Dark Star's nook, Bear continued in a hushed whisper, "Why do you have a curtain room?"

"It's a long story, and I don't want to get into right now."

Tonya rounded the corner. "There you are, Dark Star. I could use your help too. Follow us back to Rusty's quarters."

When parents set off on a long road trip with their children, a squabble in the backseat is inevitable. Although the fight rarely involves the parents, there is only so much "you just crossed my line" any loving father and mother can stand. The fight usually ends when the father angrily pulls the car to the side of the interstate almost causing a massive pile up. Whatever monstrosity awaited him in the Stellar Graveyard must not have been near as bad as the incessant squabble between Tonya, Bear, and Dark Star in his quarters.

"I cannot even hear myself being silent any longer! I will guide you through the Graveyard. We will find your Captain. As long as I don't hear one more word about curtains." Rusty burst.

Tonya opened her mouth, "But..."

"Not one."

"Rusty, I ju..."

"Uh, no," Rusty snapped.

Tonya had glimpsed what appeared to be a book with something about the Stellar Graveyard handwritten on the cover peaking out from underneath Rusty's comforter. He cut her off before she could question him about it.

       

Two weeks passed without a word about curtains. "On your left, you will notice the first Outer Lying World." the ship's Autopilot cooed as the pirate ship sailed past the lonely planet. Rusty snapped, "Talk, talk, talk. It's all anyone aboard this ship--including the ship--can do."

"Brrr...hm...er." As you can imagine, Johnson had a word or two to say about that.

They were nearing the second Outer Lying World. The entire crew had crowded onto the bridge in sweaty anticipation for whatever might await them. "Can we land here? To, you know, get souvenirs," Darcy squeaked.

Rusty replied, "The entire crew will disembark at 0900 hours. Do not talk to natives. Rendezvous aboard the ship in exactly twenty three minutes."

"How are we supposed to buy souvenirs if we can't talk to the natives?" Darcy asked.

"Sign language. Any other questions?" And just seconds later, "Negative. Darcy, take us down."

After everyone left to buy souvenirs, Tonya had the ship to herself for the first time. Except Bear had stayed on board. Something about a bad experience in a souvenir shop during a family vacation to the Intergalactic Cuckoo Clock Museum, but Tonya didn't think he would get in her way.

Twenty-four minutes later, Darcy ran aboard panting. Rusty had already joined Bear back on the bridge. "I thought you guys might have left me. I had to run back. It took the entire twenty-three minutes to explain to the clerk in sign language that I wanted a thirty-two ounce Slurpee."

"Darcy, go ahead and get the engines running," Rusty ordered. "We aren't going to stop again until we reach the Stellar Graveyard."

Darcy hummed while checking toggles and buttons on the control panel. The pirate ship violently shook.

"What...what was that?" Bear cried.

Dark Star had just entered the bridge and chimed, "He's landed this craft nose first one too many times. That's what's happened."

"Go check it out, Darcy. We're still waiting for Tonya to return," Rusty commanded.

"I don't think she ever left the ship," Bear offered.

Darcy dejectedly exited the ship alone, and Rusty walked down the ship's corridor looking for Tonya. When he passed his own room, the door was wide open with Tonya perched on his bed one leg hanging over the edge and the other held tight against her chest by her left arm. Two of her fingernails were nearly nonexistent. With her other hand, she was flipping through a journal with "Rusty's Stellar Graveyard Journal" scrawled on the cover. It was a Carters Publishing standard issue blue journal like the one Tonya had been recording events in. He ripped the journal from her hand flinging it across the room.

"Those are personal," Rusty growled. "You have no right to read them."

"You weren't going to tell us anything that was in these journals though. Anything that might help us. You'll never even talk about it."

"Guys, I think you need to come see this now," Dark Star shouted down the corridor. Both Tonya and Rusty rushed down the corridor and followed Dark Star out of the ship.

Rusty shouted, "Come on, Bear. You're coming also." Rusty's ferret came running out of the ship. Rusty nicknamed his ferret Also. He was afraid his full name, Reliable Also, would cause confusion with the name of his ship. In actuality, his nickname caused far more confusion. "Come on, Bear. You're coming too."

Darcy was wildly flailing his arms staring at a man standing atop the ship wearing white tights. "I am Captain Spectacular, Super Defender Against Accidental Excursions Across the Stellar Graveyard Border."

"Finally," Darcy said exasperatedly. "I've been trying to ask you who you were in sign language this whole time."

Tonya shouted, "Darcy gets to put a super hero in white tights on top of our ship, but I can't put up curtains."

Rusty shouted back, "What gave you the right to look through my journals? My journals!"

Dark Star joined in, "No, we aren't starting this again. Even if Darcy can have Captain What's-his-name in tights, you aren't hanging curtains in my ship!"

"This is about my journals. I said no more talking about curtains. If I hear it one more time, I'm through."

Tonya continued, "No one even knows those exist, do they? You have two friends in a crazy house, and nobody can figure out what is wrong, but you may have the answer."

"I don't. Don't you think I would have given it to someone if I did? There are things in the Stellar Graveyard that nobody should ever know about it. There are things there you should not know about. I'm trying to protect you."

"No, you're not! You're just like my dad. You are mad, because I'm not doing everything just like you want me to do it. At least my dad would have let me hang curtains."

Dark Star jumped back in, "You said 'curtains' again. Now you've done it. Captain Rusty is going to become Captain Mute again. How about that Spectacular? Maybe you can become a duo and keep people from accidentally entering the Stellar Graveyard together."

"Hey, occasionally I stop shoplifters. There was this one time--what was it--sixteen years ago that I caught a boy trying to sneak out with a snow globe," Captain Spectacular protested. An awkward silence passed as everyone turned to stare at him. "Oh, this isn't about me, is it? Maybe there would be a better time for me to come back."

Darcy argued, "You're always doing that, Bob. You tear everyone down around you. Why can't you just be nice?"

"Because he's a mean old man who doesn't like curtains," Tonya replied.

"And I didn't like hanging your stupid curtains either," Darcy shot back.

"How far did you get in the journal? How would you like it if I broke into your quarters and read your journal?"

"I'm sure that would be a captivating read," Dark Star derided. "I hung up little pink curtains today."

Captain Spectacular cut in again, "I'm not exactly sure everything that is going on here, but maybe you guys should talk it out."

Rusty shouted, "Talk! What do you think we're doing? Everyone aboard this ship can't stop talking. I just wish they could mind their own business."

"But you're not talking," Spectacular continued. "You are shouting. I think you guys have some issues you really need to discuss."

"Coffee anyone?" Bear asked.

       

The entire crew plus Captain Spectacular sat around the table in the galley sipping Sarmaulian coffee. Tonya stated, "I still don't think I was wrong looking at your journals. Why won't you talk to anyone about what happened there?"

Rusty argued back, "I have good reasons. Have you noticed that the other two members of that mission aren't doing a lot of talking either?"

Dark Star stood up and angrily tore the curtains in the galley down. "I almost forgot about these. I'm tired of looking at them." He flung them onto the table.

"I can make some more coffee," Bear offered.

"No, I think this is going to take more than coffee," Rusty said. "Being a captain is not always easy. It's one of the reasons I like stopping by Pluto to see Pastor Timothy. When we were kids, he always seemed to know how to handle situations like this. I think I know what he would do though. Darcy hand me that Bible on the shelf over there."

As Darcy was retrieving the Bible, he commented, "I don't think this Bible has been used since I joined this crew. I thought it was just for decoration."

There was complete silence around the table as Rusty flipped back and forth through the pages. "Ah, here it is. 'A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.'"

After a slight pause, Dark Star suggested, "Maybe we can talk about the possibility of putting some curtains up."

"I think we have a lot of things to talk about." Darcy added.

Captain Spectacular nervously coughed. Rusty acknowledged "Mister... Is it Spectacular, Mr. Spectacular?"

"You can call me Oscar. Oscar Bradley is my name."

"Oscar," Rusty continued, "I'm sorry about all this, and it seems we have ignored you. What was it you wanted to tell us?"

"It is my duty to prevent you from making the mistake of crossing into the Stellar Graveyard."

"We are on an urgent mission to save someone from the Stellar Graveyard. As a super hero, you wouldn't want to stand in the way of that, would you?"

"When I accepted this mission, I pledged not to allow any one to endanger themselves by entering the Stellar Graveyard."

"And," Dark Star began, "we have Rusty to guide us. Rusty was the first...I mean, second person to return from the Stellar Graveyard to tell of it. And can I ask what your powers are?"

"I can communicate with fish."

Tonya asked incredulously, "That's it? You can talk to goldfish?"

"Not just goldfish. Trout, clown fish, even piranhas. And I can fly too."

"Now why didn't you mention flying?" Tonya asked. "That's something cool."

"I'm not really great at the flying bit. You see, I can't do long distances. My record is twenty-six feet. I did twenty-seven once but that resulted in a broken leg."

"Aren't you a super hero? I thought you couldn't break bones," Darcy questioned.

"That's just super heroes with the power of invincibility. It's a common misconception. I tried being a super hero on earth, but all those guys with invincibility made it too hard for a self-respecting super hero like me. I retired from super hero work on earth and took the job here, so I could keep helping people. I hope I haven't kept you too long. You are probably in a hurry."

"Correct. Darcy, show this gentleman the way out," Rusty asked.

Captain Spectacular began following Darcy out of the room when he spun around. "Everyone hold it! You said you were going into the Stellar Graveyard. I cannot allow you to enter the Graveyard."

"Must I remind you," Dark Star began, "we are on a mission to rescue our captain from the Stellar Graveyard."

"In that case...can I come?"

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© 2008 Matthew D. Miller. Some rights reserved.
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